The long and the short of it: It's so hard for me to admit I'm afraid.
Like I'll let someone down by being human, or I'll be perceived as weak.
A month ago I wasn't afraid. I was feeling excitement, anticipation, and a large degree of safety.
What's changed? Most of it.
I had a really hard worker lined up to move onto my land with me. My son was moving here. Another friend would be returning to live on my land. My dream was all pretty, and unfolding before my eyes. My community of cohabitants was manifesting before my eyes. If things didn't work out as planned, I could stay where I was another month.
And guess what? Things changed. Now I'm on fast forward to get onto my land by Saturday. This Saturday.
I've had a TON of help and support.
Supplies, knowledge, hugs of encouragement, Sean and Roy and Jim and Mana, busting ass to get me a safe and secure structure.
So why am I having a panic attack? Is it a loss of faith? Is it the darkness before the light? Is it the irrational fear of going home to my land at night, alone, and in the dark, where monsters might be lurking in await? Or is it unnamed and unidentified fears, and anger? Anger that this isn't easy? That I've been let down, when, in actuality, I'm being incredibly supported?
It's unreasonable, this fear. But it's got me by the short hairs at the moment.