A dream is something you plan for, otherwise it's just a fantasy.
Harsh judgment, I know.
As I lie here in the dark, in the middle of the night in my tent listening to the sound of the enormous drops hitting my roof in this insanely wet rain forest I've chosen to make my home, I'm pretty sure that what I've called a dream, was really some ginormous fantasy. Albeit a three decades long fantasy, but still, a fantasy.
Tonight I've got cold feet. Really. Like literally. I got up to pee in my "jungle bucket," and stepped right into a puddle of rain water on my tent floor. Luckily, I just did the wash and found a pair of dry socks in the bag. Half of what's in there is soaking wet. But I've got dry socks. I wanna cry or swear or scream or run away. But it's raining and besides, where would I go? I own this insanity. I bought it. Like, on purpose.
Thank god my bed isn't wet. Mostly not wet. One pillow is soaked because it was on the edge of my sleeping pad and not beneath the rain cover. It's still raining though so more than my feet could be cold by the time the sun comes up.
This was never part of my Glamping, spiritual retreat, tropical island fantasy. In that vision I was always at the finish line. This wasn't a vision of my willing, this was an idea birthed full blown into my imagination. I've been writing about it, and talking about it, and drawing pictures of what I see vividly in my mind, for three decades. In those three decades, I never considered the getting from point A to point B. I didn't consider things like building platforms or plumbing or roaming black pigs or fire ants or rats. Or rain. Fucking rain. I only saw the finished product, and how happy we all were.
I wish I had more blankets. Blankets with dry edges. I wish I had a big strong boyfriend who'd put his arms around me and tell me to go back to sleep, we've got this, I love you. Apparently I run more than one fantasy at a time.
Anyway, here I am! Living right inside of this decades long idea of having a spiritual retreat center in Hawaii. Except I'm not. Yet. I'm living the invisible part behind success and failure stories. The part where it looks and feels like a big messy reality show kind of mistake. The part where people like me, the undisciplined and unmanaged dreamers, fold, right before we're about to win.
Am I about to win? Hell if I know.
I'm a creator. I have created this huge (really massive) program. I've done all the years of graduate school. I've got the certifications. I've got the professional and personal experience. I've got the spreadsheets. What I'm not, is an administrator or manager. I'm an executor. I'm a guide. I'm a catalyst.
I'm a trigger puller. I see the target and Bam! And that's what I did here. And it's why I'm up in the middle of the night with cold feet. I found myself in a chain reaction of soul alignments that brought me back to Hawaii, had a court case settle in my favor, and found me standing in front of an amazing property I was able to close on for half the cost of any surrounding properties. I've been excited, ecstatic even. I did it! I took the leap from fantasy to reality. Turns out it's a wider gap than I expected, and that leap I took feels kind of like I'm in free fall.
I knew nothing about clearing rain forest jungle. Or leveling. Or building. Or solar or catchment or cesspool or homesteading. I knew a lot about camping but not a lot about what it was going to feel like to wake up in the middle of the night alone and with wet feet. And I'm not doing what I came here for.
When I was 12 I had this vision. I even wrote it down.
I wrote: I am a catalyst.
Did I even know what that meant back then? I may have been able to define the word but had no idea what it was going to mean in my life. It's like I'm a walking tipping point. I catalyze your secret fantasies, or your secret fears, and secret hopes. I've seen people heal lifelong and ancestral wounds in one conversation together. That's not me though. That's a power much greater than me working through me.
So where's this greater power now? Where's the support people who know how to do the things I don't? Where's the money? Where's the partner? Where's the love of my life who could be here right now, kissing my forehead and making me laugh?
I didn't sign up for half a dream come true. So, power greater than myself, kick down. Bring me the rest of the team. Get this place built. Dammit and thank you. Bring it on life. Bring me the rest of the team. I dare you.