Today a friend said to keep this story coming, don't filter!
I don't. But I do. Only in the interest of a good story though. Or so I tell myself. Don't we all keep secrets, and aren't some of our best kept ones the ones we are keeping from ourselves?
One of my secrets from myself is that on the outside, I trust everyone. On the inside, I think my best kept secret is that I have this quiet little whisper voice saying, "be watchful because you never know..." It's the voice that's waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's the voice that's afraid of getting burned, or let down. Again.
Maybe right now you're nodding your head in agreement, maybe you share similar thoughts. Maybe, because we're grown ups who've been there, done that, we all have these kinds of jaded voices that tell us to not really ever trust other people.
It's time to pluck that shit. Really.
It's time to get that weed out of the garden because what we water is what grows.
I can tell you that as I l've been writing this, that voice has gone from a whisper to a roar, and now it's saying get those rose colored glasses off, you silly Pollyanna!
Why is the secret rearing its head right now?
I can think of two reasons.
One, I've trusted two people, who I didn't know from a hole in the wall up until a few days ago, onto my land to live. And to use my stuff. And my dog is sleeping in their tent. And I'm driving them around. And feeding them. And...and...and...they have their secret secrets too. Everyone does. Little triggers, and resentments, and false beliefs, born in this lifetime and beyond. Secrets I don't know, and what that voice is telling me, is they could hurt me.
I could get lost down a slippery slope of paranoid "what ifs" right now, all fed by Fear, and by those whispers, who, some might say, are only looking out for my best interest. Sigh.
Then, there's the second reason. The biggest dream of my life (so far), is birthing around me, and for some reason I'm trying to take myself out.
Lol. Not some reason. It's all because of Fear.
Damn that four letter word. Love is letting go of Fear, right? Fear is borrowing from a future that doesn't exist. Fear would have me believe that I don't deserve this, or that some "bad thing" is going to happen to me out on this quivering edge to take away my dream.
I call bullshit.
The voice of Fear is what keeps people from reaching for the Big Dreams. I decided long ago that I wasn't going to live a mediocre life just so I could be safe from the risk of the pain of failure or defeat. If we want to feel great Love, and I do, then there's always a risk of great Pain.
But is that really true? I don't think so, not anymore. Not as I unravel this secret with these words I'm speaking to you now. I believe that the belief of the existence of a polarity between Love and Pain, is what feeds the whispering voice of paranoia. I believe that as long as I believed that polarity to be true, I was actually inviting Pain to come in. I'm willing to release that false belief now, and to send it off in a silvery orb for it to feed upon itself, instead of feeding upon me and the good it could have kept me from doing in the world.
I choose to believe in Love. I also choose to continue having faith in that Greater Power, which led me here to the doorstep of this Dream, and led these two people here onto my slice of jungle paradise. I choose to breathe deeply into every bit of my being and to allow our greatest good to emerge. I choose to believe in your goodness. And yours. And yours. And in my own.