I just watched Saving Mr. Banks. I hadn't until now. It reminded me of things I haven't allowed myself to ever think of.
At first it was just remembering that my dad drank too much. But the tenderness of her love for her father was what touched me the most. It got me past the place I've habitually stopped myself from thinking beyond. It got me beyond being just another victim.
It reminded me that before I knew any difference, all that I knew was how much it hurt to want to be loved the way my sister was, but to not be. For just a moment I felt how it felt to see her on his lap, a place where I was neither welcome, nor allowed. It reminded me of how much it hurt to be denied. It reminded me that once I was tender too.
What I discovered is that I'm stronger than I was. Tonight I remembered things I learned to forget even as they were happening.
And I'm okay. I can remember now and not disintegrate. Maybe I can even learn to be tender.