That dream you have, you know, the secret one you think maybe is kinda crazy?
It's your gift.
That can be hard to understand and even harder to remember.
Two months ago when my dream community miraculously came to life outside of my head, then fell apart within days of being breathed into life, I received advice from three aunties, of which I will now paraphrase:
- Aunt Eileen suggested I rethink my goals. In retrospect, sound advice.
- In the moment what I heard was, give up, you can't do this, be safe, be reasonable, be logical, you can't do this crazy thing you're doing.
- Aunt Merry suggested I get off my land and housesit. Also, in retrospect, sound advice.
What I heard was give up, be safe, you can't do this, it's too hard, it's impossible and you're incapable of pulling off this impossibly huge idea, which was really just a fantasy anyway and for someone smarter and better than you.
- Aunt Jill suggested I not give up because she's seen more miracles happen for me than for anyone else she knows. She said she'd never have taken on something like this, (and she thought that from the start) but it's exactly the kind of thing I'd do.
What I heard was, you're crazy, it looks impossible from here and I'd never do it, but don't give up because you've done lots of crazy and impossible things, against all odds, and made them come true.
What aunt Merry and aunt Eileen said stung, but only because their words echoed the voices of my own unspoken fears. Really though, their words were much gentler than the ones I was secretly thinking. Even what aunt Jill said stung, although it also felt good to hear her belief in me. I don't always want to be seen as the woman who keeps pulling a rabbit out of her hat. I sometimes want to be normal. Right.
My aunties all did me a favor, for which, at the time, I was less than grateful for, and even less gracious about receiving.
The favor was the unearthing of my fears. Fear is a magnetic force that doesn't attract love, or manifest abundance, it simply attracts fear and creates scarcity. Stubbornness, in the face of obstacles and challenges, obliterates wisdom and vision and blinds us to other options. Saving face by ignoring sage advice from those who aren't living inside of the fear is our big fat ego's way of saying "my way or the highway".
Each of them, in their own way, tapped into my insecure feelings and my thoughts went something like this: I'm too old, too weak, too confused, too incapable, too hard to live with, and live in too much of a fantasy world and what I imagined I could do was just too unrealistic and fantastical and years too late. I also was telling myself I had spent my money unwisely, (why didn't I buy that sailboat, or teardrop trailer to travel the mainland, or just buy a round trip ticket to the world?). I questioned my trust of the wrong (any) people, and stubbornly, couldn't change my mind or my plans, or regroup or retreat one iota without losing face or faith.
Who was I to think if I built it that they would come?
Playing the cards where they lay.
I'm not 22. I'm 52. And the money has been spent, the land has been purchased, and for now, I need to play the cards I was dealt, and the ones that I've chosen. But in every hand of poker there are choices. You gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away and know when to run (thanks Kenny). And, because life really can be more like a game of 52 card pickup, there's the reshuffle and begin again.
Right now what I see as my options are:
- Give up on my dream, admit failure, and sell my land. Cut my losses and run.
- Move off my land and housesit where I've got wifi and electricity and can complete my oracle deck, make money, then pay to have all the things done that I want to see here.
- Cut and run. I know I already said that but it comes up twice as often as everything else.
- Slow this whole process down. Live simply, don't pin my hopes on anyone staying or wanting to consistently partner in this dream.
- Cut and run.
- Don't stop believing, hold onto that feeling...thanks Journey)
- Use my skills as an intuitive empath to offer readings from my oracle deck right now, before it's perfect and published. Because I'm that good.
- Finish my business plan and locate investors or partners.
You all know I don't cut and run. And bloody hell, I've made the best of this situation when I was in no position to move on it when I did. Circumstances dictated so I rolled with them. I've gotten a hell of a lot accomplished in six months.
I can regroup. I can shift my goals and be truer to my original vision. I can take this unwieldy pressure off my shoulders and allow the dream to unfold as it will. That's when it works best anyway.
If big dreams were easy everyone would be doing them. The biggest obstacle to them is ourselves. Our beliefs about who we are and what we can or can't do.
A year ago I believed this was not only possible, it was inevitable. After six months of the rain-forest roller coaster, my doubts are getting the best of me.
Why in the hell do I tell you these things? Because it's all about the good, the bad, and the ugly. Besides, it won't be nearly as much fun when I do get where I'm going if we don't have this to look back on and say, "Wow, sure glad I didn't give up back then."
Everything you see around you today was once someone's crazy dream. We need the crazy dreamers. The world needs your gift. We need your dream. Yeah. You. And yeah. Me.